Mondays seem to be the worst days for me, Luke.
Today I decided that I needed to scan everything we have that's a memory of you--Mostly pictures from the hospital. It's not much, but the thought of losing any of that, to a fire or a burglar, or whatever...makes me want to throw up.
Plus, I'm going back to work next week. I feel like I need something, anything, on my phone to remind me that you were real. So often lately, you don't feel like you were real.
I find that when I'm distracted, it gets easy to feel that way. And I hate that. I hate that the only time you seem real to me is when I'm looking back at your things and reminiscing about everything I thought was going to be for us. I should just be able to come home and see you. But all I have right now is one folder on my computer--that holds all of the pictures from your entire life. And a bassinet that holds a teddy bear , your memory box, and all of the sympathy cards we've received since you left.
Everyone keeps saying that things have to get better. I have a really hard time thinking that. But I do know that there's no way things could possibly get any worse. I'm having a bad case of the "Why me?"s today. These past few years have been...a struggle for us. The struggle with this house alone has been enough of a headache to cause most people to go crazy. But I was strong. I got through it. Daddy was done with school this year. I'm not gonna lie. When I found out we were gonna have you, I FINALLY felt like things were finally going to fall into place with us. That things were going to STOP being completely shitty, at least for a little while. Because we'd have our own family. And yes, crappy things come up when you have kids, but at least you have each other.
And we don't even have that right now. I have your Daddy. And our families. But you're missing, and you complete our little family. The weight of thinking about how you're never going to physically be in our family makes my brain ache. I am going to struggle with missing you for my entire life. And the farther away from September 10, 2012 that we get, the farther from real you become.
So going back to work next week is going to be the next step that I'm forcing myself to take to being farther away from you. I hate that this is what I'm forced to be doing. I hate that it's not that I'm forced to be going back to work so that I can afford to take care of you. I hate that I'm taking this step because it's helping me move forward with my life.
And those are all things I'm going to have to get good at living with, I suppose.