Saturday, May 10, 2014

"Happy and sad and back again, I'm not crying now too much. I think about you all the time, It's strange and hard to deal..."

Here we are again, at the day when the rest of the world tells you to appreciate your mom. The day that's still so painful for so many for so many different reasons. The lucky moms don't have to think about pain. But there's the rest of us. Those who are missing someone. Their child. Children. Babies. Their own moms. Maybe they never had either. 

Sometimes these days that are meant to make people feel good can be so bittersweet. 

I found myself missing Luke more today. All around, we had a wonderful day with Lena. She's getting so grown up so fast. We ran errands for a good part of the day with her and she was a champ. She's happy and beautiful and smiles at everyone. But then we were at Old Navy buying her socks. And they had these swim trunks for boys that just...I wanted so badly to buy them for Luke. I find myself doing this so often. I see something that's specifically for little boys, and it's all I can do not to walk out of the store having bought it. 

I still don't like letting him go. And there are so many times I've asked myself if this will ever get easier. Would it get easier if we have another boy someday? What if we don't? What if we have another baby and it's another girl? Would this be even harder? 

I don't know. 

What I do know is that I have so much to be thankful for. Lena means the world to me. To us. I love seeing her grow. Sometimes it's still surreal that this is now my life. It still doesn't really feel like mine. I'm still trying to fit into these mommy shoes, one where I'm a mom to an angel son and one that mothers my daughter here on earth. 

What's so hard for people to know about how much I still think about Luke. How close I keep him to my heart. There's this strange thing that's been happening lately when I put Lena to bed. We have a video baby monitor that notifies you with a sound on my phone when there's noise or motion in her room. It's kind of wonky sometimes, and it picks up the strangest things. But I've noticed that most nights, at around 10:45, I hear the motion notifier. And I'll look at the monitor, and Lena is sound asleep. 

And I think of Luke. 

I don't know what I believe about spirits and ghosts. But what I do know is that this happens almost every night when I go to bed. And I like to think that it's him. It's him visiting his sister, watching over her.  

I like to think that he's always close by. 

Tomorrow will be my first Mother's Day with a child to hold after two where I was unable to hold either of them. I'm excited, but I'm also missing him so much. Someday, I hope she signs her Mother's Day cards to me with her brother's name, too. 

I wish you all the best possible day, tomorrow. There are so many ways that this day can be difficult when it should be joyous. This life isn't perfect, but all we can do is make do with what we have. And I'm hoping that for all of us, we have love. At least that.