Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Now you know how you really feel about it

I've watched my fair share of Friends reruns in the past 6 weeks.  It was always one of my favorite shows, and something about it makes me feel...comfortable.  Maybe it's comfort in my past?  I don't know.

For obvious reasons, I find myself turning the channel whenever the show I'm watching deals with someone having a baby.  Or tons of parents and babies (thanks a lot, Project Runway--for making an episode that dealt entirely with making BABY CLOTHES for the first time EVER this season).  It's painful for me to watch.  Knowing that was me--Not that long ago.  I identify with those feelings, but then I have a whole load of other feelings that came from everything that happened after losing Luke.  And now I'm different.

So on at least two occasions these past few weeks, I've seen The One After "I Do."   That episode--I can't not watch it.  It's the one where Rachel found out she's pregnant, but didn't tell anyone, as it was right before Chandler and Monica's wedding, and she wasn't sure what she was going to do.  The episode ends with Monica finding out about it, and Rachel takes another pregnancy test just to be sure.  Phoebe lies and tells her that the new test was negative.  And Rachel comes to realize that she's upset it's NOT positive this time..."How can I be upset over something I never had?"

And Phoebe says "I'm just kidding, it's positive. Now you know how you really feel about it!"

I can't even say how hard that part hits me.

It took me a long time to understand that I wanted to have kids.  I'm 33.  Most people just fall into parenthood way sooner.  I'm...a control freak, and I went through most of my 20s knowing that I wasn't ready to become a parent.  It wasn't that I didn't trust my relationship with Jeff.  Or that I thought I couldn't do it.  It was more that I liked my life how it was, and I wanted  to continue on that path.  And also that  I wanted to be in the best  possible place to have a kid.  But we both knew that we wanted to have a family together...someday.  That was always in our plans.

I'll admit that even when we started trying to get pregnant last December, I'm not sure I completely knew how I felt about becoming a parent.  And it happened so fast.  But when I figured out that it was time to take a test, deep down inside, I knew we were ready for it.  If that test had come back as negative, I surely would have said the same exact thing--"How can I be upset over something I never had?"

I found myself saying the same thing when I found out that we were having a boy.  I'd always wanted a girl, and it was sort of a blow to me at first when we found out.  I got over that, though.  I really did.

It's horrible how this is all turned around on me now.

Now I know how I really feel about it.  I wanted to be Luke's Mom.  And now here I am, crushed about the life I'm never going to have with him.  I would do anything to change the way it is.  Anything.  But there's nothing that can change this.  

It's like a cruel joke that life is playing on me--"Now you know how you really feel about it."

I do.  And I hate that there's nothing I can do to change it.


  1. Awe, Jen...
    I also feel like life is playing some kind of cruel joke on me. I was very sick during my pregnancy, and I found myself wishing it would just be over. when Mia got sick, I sometimes thought that it would be better to just have everything over with and have her born then it would to go through all this waiting. And then I delivered a dead baby, and it feels like life keeps poking me, saying "This is what you wanted." I wanted to not be pregnant anymore, to not wait anymore and just fast forward to the end. I never wanted Mia to die.

  2. Nobody should ever have to go through a tragedy to realize how they really feel about something, but it's true that tragedies often make us look at life through a clearer lens. They push aside all the normal distractions and fears that keep us second-guessing ourselves. They strip away all of our defense mechanisms and make us stare at our naked selves and our naked desires in new ways. I think we have all experienced this to some extent after Luke's passing, but I know it must be the most intense for you and Jeff.

    No matter how you felt about having kids before or even after you got pregnant, I know you would've been a great mommy to Luke (and indeed, you ARE being a great mommy to him by everything you've done and will continue to do to honor his memory and keep him in your heart). Even though this realization--now you know how you really feel about it--hurts so badly right now, maybe in time it will feel more like a gift from him. I have a feeling that you (and all of us) are going to love and appreciate your future children in different ways because of this. There's a dimension to life now that we didn't know before. It's full of pain but it's also full of perspective.

    I would do anything to make this hurt less if I could. :( I love you, sister.