September

It's getting close to your birthday--What should have been your second birthday--and things are starting to feel different.

The time warp of grief and loss is so confusing at first. You relive moments leading up to and after the loss so often.  The freshness is constant. 

But lately, I feel like losing you was so long ago, Luke. 

The other day, I came to a crazy realization, after seeing Lena's weekly development email from Babycenter.  Lena will be exactly 39 weeks old on your second birthday. We lost you at exactly 39 weeks.  Which basically means that she was born on the same day that you were conceived.  On your second birthday, Lena will have been alive with us twice the amount of time that we got to spend with you. 

That makes my head spin just thinking about it.

I guess that's probably why I feel like it's been so long since we parted. So much has happened. Our lives are so different. I know Lena so well now. She has a personality and she's adorable but challenging and trying to walk. So much happens in the first year of parenthood. And it goes by so fast, and it's so intense. 

We missed all of this with you. I still think about that on a daily basis. I still wonder what kind of personality you'd have. If Lena looks like you would have. But I think the hardest thing to come to grips with is the fact that I'll forever grieve the family that we should have been. It's so hard to imagine our lives without Lena at this point...and without you being gone, she likely wouldn't be here. Without you being gone, I might never have had a daughter. Which is insane, because at this point, that's all I know. And though I have a son, I might never know what it means to raise a son.  

Grieving all of that is still hard. 

The happiness that Lena has brought us is immeasurable. I honestly don't think that I'd feel as much closure with what happened to you if she wasn't here. Which in turns rips my heart out for all of those parents who lose their babies and are never given another chance...

There's an element of healing in the fact that we still get to be parents. We still get to have all the experiences we should have had with you...just with your sister. It's another chance, thank god. Because I don't know what I'd be feeling today, nearly 2 years out, if we were still struggling. 

The life that we live now puts you in the background so often. We know we are a family of 4, missing one, but outwardly, we're only a family of 3. I wish I could be one of the lucky ones that gets to count out their kids as they load them in the car, but I'll never get that chance.

We're making the best of what we have.  I wish I had more time to plan something special for your second birthday, sweet boy. I've set up our team with this year's Walk to Remember, but that's about it. 

So this is what it's like to be two years out from the day your life is forever altered. The dullness makes me sad, in a way. Fresh grief feels right. The sadness connects us. But here? I feel so much how you're still a part of me--a part of our story. But it's just a dull ache connecting us now. 

For Luke's second birthday, I would love it if you're reading this if you could either join our team to walk  with the OC Walk to Remember on October 4 in Tustin or make any donation in his name to our team, Luke's Skywalkers. Just to know that others are thinking of him in some way on his birthday on September 10 will make all the difference in the world...

One week to go...

Until your first birthday, Luke.

I wish I was planning your birthday party right now.  I wonder a lot about what you would be interested in at this point.  What kinds of toys would you pick out at Target?  Would you be walking like a pro yet?  What your favorite foods would be?  How much hair would you have and how big would you be?

Seeing your new cousins develop so quickly makes me realize the vastness of what we missed out on with you.  Everything happens so fast.  They're starting to recognize voices and be more aware of what's around them.  They're starting to react to smiles and laughter.  They're not newborns, already.   

They all seem like small things that happen so quickly.  Most parents kind of just forget that their children could never smile at them or laugh at them in the beginning.   I wish we got anything.

On this very day, one year ago, I was still naive.  I wasn't scarred.  I remember at this point...I'd gotten SO much done to get ready for you.  We'd just finished having our bathroom redone.  Our new insurance had kicked in and I wasn't worried about going into labor early anymore because whatever--It had kicked in!  I was researching where to get our carseat installation inspected, just in case, and made an appointment at the local CHP office.  I'd just started not driving into the office anymore because I didn't want to be far from the hospital in case I went into quick labor.  Jeff had just found out that he passed his comps, and there was no more to worry about because he'd gotten his MPA.  I'd literally written in my journal: "This time next month, we'll be parents. And I'm sure I'll be sleep deprived and delirious. But that's ok. At this point, I feel like we're ready for a change of pace in our lives. It's scary and exciting all at once."

We were so excited to meet you then.  There was so much to look forward to.  We were going to be PARENTS.  Finally.     

We were excited about the life-altering events that were supposed to happen in just a few weeks.  But we never once could have predicted that those life-altering events didn't include bringing you home.  We were in the safe zone--nothing can go wrong at 38 weeks.  Or after that.  Right?

I still can't wrap my head around how all of this happened to me.  To us.  These kinds of tragedies only happened to other people.  How could we have prepared ourselves to bring our son's ashes home instead of a living, breathing child?  

This has been the hardest year of my life--by far.  No one ever plans to lose their child.  I never thought I would know that pain.  But here I am.  Surviving.

I don't really know how, but it's probably because it's the only thing I know how to do.  I changed my calendar at work today, and seeing your birthday written on THIS month brings everything rushing back to the forefront.  An entire year without you. 

I miss you every day.  And I know I will for the rest of my life.  I'm feeling wistful and nostalgic this week.  I wish I could go back to last year and have everything be different.

But there are no genies to grant me three wishes.  Or time machines.  There's just now.  And now, all I can do is do everything I can to keep your memory alive, and do all I can to make sure things turn out different with Bowie.  

I miss you, big guy.

This week, instead of buying Luke a birthday present, I would ask anyone that wanted to to give a donation to his team at OC Walk to Remember. I'd love to break $1000 by his birthday next Tuesday...So if you'd like to help us out, please click the logo here:


Thanks to you all for being there this year. I'm quite sure that it would have been MUCH more difficult without having others' stories and pain to relate to. To feel less isolated means everything to me.

OC Walk to Remember 2013

It's official--The OC Walk to Remember is scheduled for October 5, 2013, and you can bet your bootie that Luke's Skywalkers will be representing this year. There are two things you can do to help us support this amazing organization that has helped not just Jeff and I, but MANY others across Southern California who have dealt with the loss of their babies. First, you can help us fund raise. Our goal is to raise at least $3500 in Luke's name this year. We want to thank ALL of you that contributed to our amazing, recordbreaking effort last year, and hope you'll help us again this year.

If you'd like to contribute to our team this year, please see our fundraising page below. Any amount you can give is GREATLY appreciated and truly helps families struggling with their losses. Again--Thank you to ALL of you that helped us spread the word about the OC Walk last year. Let's keep that momentum going this year ♥ Feel free to share this link with any friends you have, near or far.

http://www.active.com/donate/2013ocwalk/LukesSkywalkers2013
  
SECONDLY, if you'd like, registration for doing the ACTUAL 5k Walk in Tustin this October is open and ready to go! If you'd like to register for that now, you can do that here: https://www.active.com/register/index.cfm?CHECKSSO=0&EVENT_ID=2101402

 If you'd like to do the walk with our team, be sure you pick Luke's Skywalkers from the dropdown list when it asks for your Team Name  :)

As always, thank you ALL for your wonderful support.  It hasn't been an easy journey for us, but I can now say that the load is easier to bear with so many amazing friends, family, and even complete strangers helping ease our burden from near and far.  Love to you all.

#captureyourgrief Day 19 & 20

I've been behind on a couple of the posts this week...some of them, I feel like I couldn't really post anything about yet at this point...But here's to catching up a little bit?

Day 19--A Project
Mom and I have been talking about doing something to remember Luke with...We're just not sure where to start.  It'll probably be a bit artsy, but we haven't really nailed anything down yet.  In the meantime though, THIS is my project.  For me.  I've been a blogger for a long time now...I don't put it out there for the world to see anymore.  But for this blog, I feel like putting it out there for anyone else that's going through this pain could only help someone.  I know that I've found comfort in reading other baby-loss moms' blogs--Knowing that they're farther along in the grief process--but they're still going.  They have families.  They still remember their babies, but they've found a way to do that and continue on living.

It's also kind of serving as a way for  me to...think right now.  I used to mess around with coding a long time ago, so it's sort of fun and a challenge for me to customize, etc, right now.  Maybe that's getting me ready to go back to work in some way?

But if I can help someone else feel better, that makes me feel better.

Day 20--A Charity/Organization

I've said it many times, but I'm so thankful for the OC Walk to Remember.  The day everything happened...we found out about them at the hospital.  They fund training for nurses at hospitals in the area who are taking care of patients like us at the hospital.  They provide things for you at the hospital that  you probably weren't expecting to need.  They fund support groups to help the grief process in this situation, and they host an annual 5K in Tustin.  This year we raised over $5000 for them, and I can't be more proud.  This is not a club or organization you want to join, necessarily, but when you find yourself in it...you'll be glad they exist. 

#captureyour grief--Day 14

Community

On  October 6, we participated in our first Walk to Remember event here in Orange County.  I wasn't even sure if I'd be ready to do this when we first heard about it in the hospital, but I'm so glad we participated.  The community of support for parents like us is huge.  Between blogs I find on the internet, groups like Walk to Remember, and support groups (that we haven't even had a chance to participate in yet...but will), I'm so glad we're not alone.  

The grey shirts are everyone walking for Luke--But everyone else pictured has lost someone important to them as well.  The support is overwhelming. 

Healing

Tomorrow it will have been 4 weeks since we lost you, Luke.  Today is 4 weeks since we found out the horrific news that you no longer had a heartbeat.

One month.  It doesn't seem like very long, but in some ways, it feels like an eternity.

It feels like it was so long ago that I was pregnant with you.  My body is pretty much physically healed at this point, and that makes me sad.  It means that almost all traces of you are gone from me.  The spots that appeared under my arms are gone.  That pain in my pelvis is almost unnoticeable now, aside from a few creaks here and there.  My feet don't hurt anymore.  My stitches have dissolved, and I'm back in my pre-pregnancy clothes already.

It hurts to think that you were so fleeting.  Here and gone so fast. 

But not your spirit.

Luke's Skywalkers--OC Walk to Remember 2012

Yesterday was the OC Walk to Remember.  When I found out it was happening so soon after we lost you, I was kind of scared that we wouldn't be ready to participate in something like this.  But I'm so glad we did.  Your team was huge, Luke.  So many people walked for you, yesterday.  That picture doesn't even have everyone in it that was there for you.  They miss you too.  Sometimes I feel guilty for smiling, but I couldn't help it yesterday.  It was filled with tears AND smiles.  Hearing your name mentioned so often...that's all we ever wanted anyway.  You're still our son, even if you're not here.

I know my emotional healing has a long way to go.  But I felt your spirit there with us, yesterday, Luke.  Daddy and I still miss you so much.

    

#captureyourgrief--Day 5

A Memorial

I feel like this is the greatest memorial Luke could've left behind--Helping others through the worst times of their lives. Tomorrow we're walking in the Orange County Walk to Remember in memory of our sweet boy, and the amount of money we've raised in his memory simultaneously saddens and overjoys me.

I wish that this wasn't a club that anyone had to join, but knowing there are groups like them out there trying to help soften the blow...to be able to contribute to that is a tiny ray of light in our lives.