5 Months

I ain't afraid of hurt
I've had so much it feels
just like normal to me now...

Normal. It's different now. It's been different for 5 months now.

I miss being pregnant with you, Luke. I've been feeling a lot of phantom kicks lately, and it's weird. I miss being happy and looking forward to all the changes that you would bring to our lives. I miss the naive optimism I had about how things would turn out for us. I miss being a normal person that looked at pregnancy as a happy, exciting, fun time. I miss those times when my biggest fear was having to take the 3-hour blood test for gestational diabetes.

I miss looking forward to your future. I miss being able to read back through my past journal entries without feeling like I'm missing something. It's like I spent the past year preparing for nothing. I know I was doing what any Mom does...but to have done all of that...for nothing? Hurts.

I miss my life before this neverending sense of underlying sadness and heartbreak crept in. It's forever.

I feel so jaded. We've experienced the worst thing a parent can experience. But we have so much more life to live.

I just want something to look forward to. To be excited about. I wish I could be excited about you turning 5 months old today, but I can't. Today I'm wistful. For the life that we should have had. On the outside, I feel mostly normal. But I'm different. You're missing.

5 months seems like so long...and yet completely not. Missing you today, my sweet boy.