Saturday, February 23, 2013

Sharing is Caring

First things first, I'm sure that many of you babloss mamas saw the call for this on many email lists/Facebook feeds you may be subscribed to, but if you'd like to participate in a perinatal loss study, please read below:
"Have you experienced perinatal loss (loss of a baby shortly before or after birth) within the past year? Do you know a woman who has experienced perinatal loss within the past year?
New RESEARCH Opportunity - posted on behalf of Jennifer Huberty, PhD - an ASAP member...... pelase consider participating in this important study.....

We are looking for women who have experienced perinatal loss to participate in an interview related to health and physical activity behaviors. If you do not reside in Omaha, NE you can participate over the phone. To participate in the study please contact
Dr. Jennifer Huberty, PhD at 602-827-2456 or Katherine Rolfsmeyer at"
I'm finding that lately, I feel like it's all I can do to talk about my experience. About Luke. To make him matter. And amazingly, lately, it doesn't bring me to tears. Last weekend, we went to get massages at a local day spa. We'd had a gift certificate there for quite some time, and we finally decided to use it for some fancy massages. I was pretty excited. When I made the reservation, I didn't really care if I got a female or male masseuse--whoever's available, I said.

So of course, Jeff and I get taken away to our separate massage rooms, and I meet my massage therapist. She seems nice enough. We start chatting, and we pass by Jeff and his lady in the hallway. She asks if that's my husband, and I say yes. Then she tells me he's cute. HA!

So we get to our room, and we start chatting. It's funny how some people are very chatty during a massage, and others aren't. I think I tend to project an air of "please talk to me," because it's really what people tend to do when I'm in this situation. I really don't mind, but this time was interesting.

She asks me if we have any children, right off the bat.

This girl was younger--Certainly much younger than me and Jeff. But I made the decision that I'd answer this question from now on with "Well, it's complicated." Because if anything, that's what our situation is.

I told her about Luke. And I didn't cry. She saw my tattoo, and said it was amazing. And then she told me that she had a miscarriage last year. It was only about 9 weeks, she said, but she's still devastated by it. She tells me that she's still struggling with it, and that her husband's parents went out of their way to blame it on her for happening. She said it was a cultural thing...

My heart broke for her. I'm so lucky, in that I honestly and truly have NEVER been made to feel guilty for what happened to Luke. If anything, I projected guilt onto myself at first...but it never came from anyone else. And I can imagine that just making the situation twice as heavy.

Maybe that's why I feel like I've reached a sort of healing in what seems like such a short amount of time? I don't know. It's probably a combination of my surroundings and my general outlook on life. But I'm so glad things weren't made even harder than they should be by people who should have no say in how this feels.

We chatted a lot about what it's like, losing a child. I'm hoping it was therapeutic for her, because it was for me. When I left, I left her a note in the tip envelope, to remind her to check out the OC Walk to Remember's website. For support and information about participating in the walk itself in October.

I hope we end up seeing her at the walk in October. I wish nobody new ever had to join our cause. But I hope she shows up, at least to share a day with people who understand.

Dear Finley


  1. Hi Jen, thank you so very much for this post. I live in Norwalk and had read about your experience with the OC Walk to Remember. I didn't know that I could attend if I've had an early miscarriage. I was under the impression that it was just for parents who've lost a baby later in their pregnancy or shortly after birth. I'm still struggling with my miscarriage and have not healed. It feels like no one remembers, not even my husband because he doesn't talk about it. But I think of my baby often. And it's extremely painful. So thank you for posting this. I will be attending this October. I hope it will help.

    Again, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I think of you and Luke often.

  2. I don't know how I missed this the first time around, but I just read it and yes you do have that air about you that says talk to me because you just ooze warmth and being real and being rad all at the same time, and I am so glad that you were in a place not to not only not break down over Luke, but to give someone else comfort.

    And Jeff is kinda cute. :-)