Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Sometimes I think you were too good to be true, Luke.

By far, you were the easiest pregnancy I've ever heard of.  Ever.  And everyone I knew agreed.  I couldn't believe how lucky I was that you were such a gift.  It started when we started trying to get pregnant.  It was practically unbelievable that we'd only been trying for a month when I took that positive test.  I'll admit, at first I was terrified.  I couldn't believe how lucky we were.  And how simple it was for us.  I'd gone into the process with a grain of salt, knowing that not everyone does this easily.  Especially at our ages.  I fully expected this to take a year--maybe longer.  Or not at all.  I was ready for whatever happened, though.  But when I realized how late I was, I knew it was time.  I was shocked.  And scared.  But so happy and excited.  When I told Daddy I needed to take a test...I made him look at it first.  I've never felt those feelings of excitement in my life.  I cried, but I was so happy. 

I hate that writing about this now is making me cry tears of sadness...

Those first few months weren't fabulous.  I was nauseous a lot.  A LOT.  I didn't like food.  It was insane.  I lost almost 12 pounds that first three months.  But I never threw up.  Not once.  I know people who had morning sickness their entire pregnancies.  They'd run to the bathroom all day.  Not me.  Sure, I had nausea.  And I couldn't eat pretty much anything.  But it wasn't that bad.  And it went by before I knew it.

And then there were the completely uneventful doctor appointments.  At our first ultrasound at 8 weeks, they found your heartbeat right away.  You were so tiny.  But your heartbeat was perfect.  And it always was--at every appointment.  The NT ultrasound was perfect too.  The tech had me drink some REAL coffee to wake you up though--cause you were facing a weird direction and she couldn't make you move to get your measurements, etc.  But everything was awesome.  And so it went.  Every appointment.  The doc declared that I was having the "most boring pregnancy ever!," which was a good thing, apparently.  I'd lost weight in the beginning, which was good for me, being a bit overweight to begin with.  I wasn't even blowing up like some people do.  It was perfect.

There was that silly gestational diabetes test that I freaked out about.  I failed the first one.  I'd eaten watermelon for breakfast like an idiot.  I convinced the doctor to let me take it again, and I failed AGAIN.  by like, 5 points.  So I had to take the 3-hour test.  It was torture, but in the end, it turned out I didn't even have gestational diabetes either.  Again, we were perfect.

Then there was the appointment that Friday before we lost you on Sunday.  It was perfect too.  I'd only gained 6 pounds over my starting weight.  The doctor put the doppler on my tummy, and yep, there you were again.  And we were so close.  SO CLOSE, Luke.  I was 1cm dilated already, and we were told you could be coming "any day now." 

Everything went perfectly.  And yet somehow, we still lost you. 

I think that's what makes this the hardest.  There was nothing that prepared us for this.  With a pregnancy that easy and that perfect...for something like this to happen at 39 weeks, when you should've just been with us, it's the most unbelievable thing in the world.  How?  Why?  How could there be NO signs?  How and when did you get so wrapped up in your cord?  Why couldn't it have waited until you were ready to come out?  You would've had a chance...

Even labor, after we found out we'd already lost were perfect. I was so scared of actually giving birth, being a first time Mom, but in reality, it turned out to be nothing compared to the mental and emotional pain we were going through.  I was induced from 1cm.  I was given Cytotec, Pitocin, and an epidural--all things that I was scared of before going into this.  And yet honestly, it was nothing.  Nothing compared to losing you. 

I wish there was something that would've prepared us for this.  But at the same time, I just have to thank you, Luke.  For being so perfect to me while we were together.  You give me hope that  I can do this again.  Someday. 

I just wish you could be here when we get there. 

1 comment:

  1. I feel your pain hun. 39 weeks is such a blow :( Any time is but so close :(

    I'm so sorry :(