Monday, December 12, 2016

Three years

It's hard to believe that it's only been three years since Lena was born. So many times I feel like she's been ours forever because the days can be so long and trying. But three years? That's nothing. 

I sometimes wonder if she'll ever understand how much she healed me. How she changed me. In some ways how she saved me from being a completely hopeless soul. I hope someday she understands how she breathed life back into me...just by being born alive. 

I don't know who I would be today if she weren't here. She's exactly everything I needed to live through my grief. To help me carry it. 

I'm not a perfect parent. Not by a mile. I have a lot of help in molding who she turns out to be. And  somehow, this little girl has grown into an amazing person. She's beyond smart. I don't even know how. She's a sponge who absorbs everything--language, tasks, how to ride a trike. She's empathetic and caring, and even though she can be a total asshole (like all toddlers), she knows how to show love and kindness to other people. She's funny and witty and her laugh makes me laugh. 

I feel like I'm finally able to step back and see who she's turning out to be, and every day, I'm blindsided by how lucky I am to be her mama. 

She may never be potty trained, but there's always Depends, and I'd buy them for her if I had to. 

Tonight I put my three-year old to bed for the first time. I've been parenting a living child for three years. There's been so many ups and so many downs...but I'm trying everyday to remember to give her everything that I couldn't give her brother. For him and for her. 

I feel like I fail them a lot of times...but I guess that's probably a constant feeling all parents have, right?

Anyway. Happy third birthday, my Lena Bowie. 


  1. Happy birthday Lena Bowie. You gave me so much hope beginning two years ago.

    Isn't it amazing the joy these rainbows bring back to our lives? How much light they bring back to our lives?

    As always, sending so much love to your family of 5!

    Ps- shit, she's not pottytrained yet?

  2. Happy Birthday, Lena. The joy of the rainbow baby is just unparalleled. So happy for you all.