I feel like for the most part, I've kept my anxiety pretty in-check throughout this entire pregnancy. I'll admit--The month of September was probably the worst. Mostly because that month was all about Luke. I found myself completely distracted--Bowie was almost an afterthought. But she was there, and all was well, so it was OK.
Yesterday was the first day I really experienced those pangs of anxiety that hit--the uncontrollable fear that something's wrong.
I'm going to NSTs twice a week. And they've mostly been fine. But Bowie's an active baby, apparently. And sometimes, they take some time for us to get a good reading on her heartbeat, which does make me anxious, but not uncontrollably so.
Yesterday...there was a different girl working in the office. And she didn't know me or how active Bowie was (or my story, or really also...how to find the heartbeat really well? I'm not even sure.) So it didn't start off well. She really couldn't find her heartbeat. Then it was sort of there--but very faint. I could feel Bowie moving, but the fact that her heartbeat was so faint...scared the crap out of me. I know she was probably facing backward, and that she was probably fine, but to talk yourself into that--it's hard when you've been on the other side of this. Where everything is NOT fine. When you're getting told that your baby is already gone.
We sat...with the faint heartrate reading...for about a half hour. Finally, the girl working went to go get a doctor. She came in, and I was crying at that point. It was at that point that I was sort of forced to tell her what I've been through (she wasn't my normal OB). She completely understood my terrors, and somehow, found Bowie's heartbeat pretty quickly. At that point, I was angry at the girl working there. But I just wanted to get it done and over with.
And then Bowie moved, and it seemed that finding her heartbeat was impossible again.
The frustration...I know the girl working there was frustrated. And then she told me that when she takes the reading to my doctor, she wasn't going to like it. And that she'd probably send me over to the hospital for more monitoring...
And that's when I really stressed out. It was really the wrong thing for her to say to me.
But somehow, after moving and moving and moving, Bowie chilled out a bit. And then she got the hiccups. And after about an hour of trying and trying to get any stable reading out of her, she calmed down enough for us to get what we needed.
There are times I'm thankful that she's an active, moving baby. It keeps my anxiety in check--especially considering that the REASON I went to the hospital with Luke was because I noticed he'd stopped moving... But then there are times when it scares me. When things like this happen. Or when I think about the potential of her getting too wrapped up in her cord like Luke--maybe BECAUSE she's so active.
Yesterday's NST took almost 2 hours. I swear that must be some sort of record. I really hope that the rest of them go much more smoothly, but I just keep telling myself that we only have less than 4 weeks to go. We can get through this.
4 weeks. We're so close.