Tuesday, September 10, 2013

One year.

Because of you, I've had to grow thicker skin and be stronger than I ever knew I could possibly be.

I've had to accept that terrible things happen. To good people, even. And there's nothing you can do to change it or fix it.

I've had to learn how to accept things I never wanted to accept.

I've had to learn to make myself laugh again. To want to live life again. To find joy again.

And I've been forced to learn that all we are given is now. Now is our only guarantee in life. Life will move forward--with or without you--and it's your choice whether or not to go with it and try to be happy with what you're given. But everything can change in a second--Taken from you when you least expect it for no reason at all.

I've realized that while we've been dealt the worst news a parent could hear, I'm still lucky. I haven't had to go through this alone. I'm blessed with family members and friends who have held us up for the past 365 days. They remember you and they aren't afraid to talk about you.

I've learned that the worst can happen...and I can survive. You've taught me that being scared doesn't accomplish anything. Fear won't get you anywhere.

I understand now that watching those who have what you want is easy to be jealous of...but it's far more constructive to do something for yourself than be envious of them.

I'm getting a better grip on becoming who you've made me without losing who I was before. It's a hard balancing act, though.

I wake up thinking about you and I go to sleep thinking about you. About everything that might've been. It's hard to give up on. A year out, and I'm still not sure I've given up on all that I wished for you in this life.

I think I've learned that that's what a parent does--Love their child or children forever--Unconditionally. Here, or in heaven.

This morning I was awake at 5:23am. The exact time you were born. I have no idea how--It must be something in my brain that just knows what my heart is feeling.

I can't believe it's been a year. The hole in my heart hasn't gotten any smaller. I'm not sure if I was expecting it to, but this morning when I woke up, it hurt just as much as those first few days at home without you.

It has gotten easier, but it will never be easy. I'll still miss you forever--every day of my life.

Happy first birthday in heaven, sweet boy. I miss you more than words can ever say ♥


  1. thinking of you today, angel. Happy Birthday, Luke.

  2. Happy birthday Luke.

    I love that you woke up at his birth time, so connected to him.