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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

All the things we'd hoped for, for you in life, Luke...

But were shattered by your death?

We get to pass them onto someone else.

You're going to be a big brother.  Sometime this December.

I know that some people might think that by having another baby, we'll be "fixed". That our hearts will be mended. Because we'll finally walk away with a living breathing baby. 

But this doesn't fix anything. The hole you left in our lives and hearts will always be in my heart. We'll always be missing a child at the dinner table. My "oldest" child in this world will not truly be my oldest child, and from an outsider's perspective, their point of view will always be incorrect.

The questions have already started this time around...

"Is this your first?!  No?  How old is your oldest?!" (This has already happened)

I've told myself that I will not lie.  I've already had to put on the anti-liar hat and say things to complete strangers that I'm sure were not the careless answers they expected to this question.  This child is our second, and you were our first, Luke.  And you always will be.  Nothing can change that order.  I think about just how much we're missing by not having you here with us.  I think about the fact that I'm the oldest sibling in my family. What would my family be like if I weren't still here?

It's things like that that are hard to grasp.  We'll never know what we're missing about you.

But this little baby...has already given me hope.  The worst has already happened with you.  It can't possibly happen again.

So we'll get to have a new version of our family.  I wish you could be here with us at Christmas when we welcome this little one...but I know you'll be watching to make sure everything goes right.

In a way, that's a comfort--I have you, up there...to watch over me--to make sure this goes right.

I wish we had years and years to grieve your death.  But our time here is short, and you've shown me that.  But you've also made me a Mom.  And I guess it makes me special that I'll have one angel watching over me, and I'll have one here with me on Earth.

Now all we have to do is get through the next 5ish months.

I've been writing a few entries before we wanted to let this out of the bag...So those will probably be up in the next few days...


Baby's nickname is Bowie.  As in...Rainbow Baby.  But also...it connects to Luke.  My sister and I nicknamed Luke Jemaine in the womb.  From Flight of the Conchords--mostly because we thought it was an awesome name to never use.  But Jemaine appears as David Bowie in a dream that Bret has....and, it all just seemed to fit...So until this one has a real name...It's sticking.

6 comments:

  1. Congrats, I am happy that you are on this journey again. I will keep you, the new baby and Luke in my prayers.

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  2. I'm happy for you and know how scary it is and will be. I hope you keep writing about your journey.

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  3. Congratulations! I'm glad you're able to continue to be true to Luke in the face of questioning.

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  4. I'm so, so, so happy for you both. I know it's not the same, but I remember being pregnant after I had miscarried and had a lot of mixed emotions. Please try to enjoy your pregnancy, even though it may be scary and difficult. Of course, this baby does not replace Luke and he will always be in your hearts. He will be remembered. May this pregnancy and baby be everything and more. Wishing you health and above all, joy.

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  5. Congratulations, Jen!
    you're having a baby.
    Know I am here with you, every step of the way, whatever you need.
    Feel free to comment on my blog or email me at emily91012(at)gmail(dot)com
    Love to you, mama.
    You're having a baby.

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