Sunday, March 10, 2013

On your 6 month birthday--without you

At 6 months, I think we've found a small sense of peace with everything that happened, Luke.

It still hurts that there really wasn't any legit medical reason we lost you. Part of that is easy to let go of, because it's so vague, but then part of it is incredibly hard to let go of because of the vagueness. It's a catch 22.

I've been told by many people that I'm doing really well, considering. I feel that I am too. It doesn't change the fact that I miss you like crazy and feel incredibly angry that I don't have a happy 6-month-old son to deal with. That I don't know what you would look like or be like at this age.

I wish you were here...

But I feel your presence more than you know. So much. There are tiny reminders here and there. And then there's the huge, bizarre coincidences when I feel like you're somehow still with us. Like what happened earlier this week. I picked up your big-doggie-sister, PJ from doggie daycamp at Petsmart. I got back her report card...and this is what it said.

PJ made a new doggie friend this week. His name was Luke Skywalker.

I didn't read that until we got back into the car, but it made me cry. Tears of joy and sadness at the same time. I don't know what I believe about the afterlife, and I don't pretend to have it all figured out, but there was a sense of your presence reading that note. There's been a few times these past 6 months where I truly feel that you're pulling strings from wherever you are and that gives me comfort.   

Today, Daddy ran in his first 5k ever.  He started running this year, and I'm so proud of him, because for the most part, he's doing this for you.

We're hanging in there, Luke.  It feels like these past 6 months have been a time warp that went both fast and slow at the same time.  But I feel like you've also made us be better versions of ourselves, too.  I wish it didn't take your absence to have done that...but if there's anything, there's that.

I wish you were here today, though. I really do.

It's hard to think that there will never be a day or a birthday that I don't wish that.  I hate that this is permanent.

I love you, sweet boy, till the end of time ♥♥♥    


  1. The fact that they underlined that PJ played with Luke Skywalker for HOURS is what got me!! It's like, not only was this dog with such a significant name here, but PJ became his instant BFF.

    It's so subtle, and yet so, BOOM, in our face that the stars can aligned in such a great way to remind us that Luke is ever-present in our hearts and minds, and sometimes even in little doggies at Petco!!

    <3 <3 <3

  2. I wish I had a sense of my daughter's presence, or some kind of sign. I don't even have dreams about her.

    I had no medical explanation for my abruption either. My daughter was perfect and alive and healthy until I had to deliver her. It's extremely frustrating, not to know why.

  3. I wish I felt my daughter more...I dont want to ever forget that...the memories of her kicking me are fading and I was them back soo badly