In 2012, when we lost you, 2015 seemed like eons away.
And here we are, on the brink of another new year. Another new year without you. Another new year where I continue adjusting to the life that I live now--The one where I lived through tragedy that no one could ever imagine happening to them.
Since losing you Luke, I've read and heard so many stories. So many unbelievably heartbreaking stories. It's like I've became a magnet for them. Once you've had your own unbelievable heartbreak, I suppose you almost seek more of those stories out. As if it dulls the blow? I don't know. I think it does help sometimes, to know that I'm not alone. To know that there are some other humans on the planet who have gone through this. And lived to see joy in life again.
What I do know now that I didn't know then is that my heart has so much room in it. I didn't know how much love it was possible to carry--Especially for someone I never did, and never will know. But also for others' lost loves. For all of the families that have lost their much-wanted babies. Every. Single. One. I hear about, my heart hurts. And holds a place for them. I feel like you gave me that.
And the relief is that now, almost 2.5 years out, I've found happiness again. I count myself really fucking lucky. Because Lena is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me (us). It's so hard, being a parent after losing your first baby. Because a lot of times, I feel like I need to be better. Like I need to appreciate everything more. And that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. Especially considering it's fucking hard just being a parent in the first place. I'll admit that a lot of times...I feel like I fail at being that really-effing-amazing parent. Because I'm too caught up in trying to get the dishes washed or the laundry put away or keeping Lena out of the dog's water bowl. I feel like I kind of suck at being present more than I should. Because I know what it means to have everything taken from you. I know I need to really take in all the moments.
And there's the guilt again. The guilt in grief. The guilt about not being a better parent? I'm not sure I saw that one coming. It's not pervasive, but it lurks.
Again, I wish I was one of those naive people that had no idea what any of this feels like.
So in 2015, I'm gonna do my best to kick that guilt to the curb. Cause I'm doing the best I can. And in the words of Thom Yorke, "The best you can is good enough."
Jen, I don't know you, but I've heard so much about you. Thank you so much for the support and solace you've given my sister, as well as other moms who have lost their babies.
ReplyDeleteI am lucky. I've never lost a child. And I think it sucks that these days, guilt seems to come along with the Tilt-a-whirl of motherhood. Guilt that you're not paying enough attention enough, that your kid isn't well behaved enough, that you yelled, that you can never seem to remember where you put stuff. We're all doing our damndest.
Moms who have lost their babies? You shouldn't have to feel guilt on top of the grief. Your life is already too tough.
You love your kids so much. You know that; they know that. And you are a wonderful mother.