I'm not sure what it is, exactly, but there are a lot of things running through my mind. Mostly, I'm just feeling spun around by life.
I'll be honest Luke. It's so so simple to just...move farther away from you. I don't have a choice--Life continues moving in a forward direction. There is no going backward. Your existence was so fleeting. And I feel like now, at 8 months, it's getting completely intangible. I look at your pictures more often lately--I think just to give your existence validation.
8 months is a long time apart. But in the grand scheme of life, it's just a tiny dent in time. And already, the distance seems so far.
Sometimes I'm not sure how ready I am to feel that far away from you.
I'm somehow still standing. After all of this. That which I thought would surely slowly kill me...has only made me stronger. It's true that you don't know how strong you are until you're forced to be. Facing down this neverending sadness--and trying to beat it with happiness in life is a hard game to continue playing. And it's forever. That part is daunting--still. And I think it always will be.
But I'm lucky in that I have amazing, truly wonderful family and friends who won't let you be far away. Your Auntie Lauren recently made the most amazing shadowbox for your new cousin's room with keepsakes to remind your cousin of you. Just knowing that that little baby will grow up knowing about you fills my hole in my heart--if only just a little tiny bit.
There's so much happiness to be experienced in life. And I don't want to miss out on any of it. If your death meant anything...It's helped me to find the beauty in life.
Sunday is our first Mother's Day without you. The first of a lifetime of Mother's Days that will have a tinge of sadness--every. single. year. Even someday, when we have another child (children?), we'll always be missing one. That hurts.
You made me a Mom first. And you'll always be that child for me. There's no changing that. But this year, Mother's Day will be a harsh reminder of what I don't have. We were so close--but we still lost you, and the fact that we never got to spend a Mother's Day together will always hurt.
So much is lost.
But you'll be at the front of my thoughts on Sunday, Luke. And I'll be thinking of all other Moms who are spending their Mother's Days without their babies and children. I'll also be thinking about all the other wonderful, amazing women out there who want nothing more but to become Moms...but can't, for whatever reason.
It's sad that a day that should only be happy and wonderful and thankful can feel like a knife in so many of our hearts. I wish we could all be new--never having experienced the cruel moments that life can dole out.
But at least we know that we're not alone.
I miss you every day, Luke. And I'll never stop loving you.
