#captureyourgrief--Day 8

Jewelry in memory of Luke

It's only been a month since we lost Luke, but literally about a week after, I got an email from one of my favorite websites, #shanalogic. And I saw this necklace, which was pretty much exactly the same leaf they put on my door at the hospital when we found out we lost him. It's a subtle reminder of him.

#captureyourgrief--Day 7

What TO say?

Pretty much anything along the lines of "I'm so sorry". There's nothing anyone can say that will make this better, but to genuinely say you care means the world.

I'll say that I've been pretty lucky in that I haven't really had anyone say something really terrible to me about what happened. Most everyone we know loved Luke in their heart already...and they share our pain with us. That's comforting just to know that.

Healing

Tomorrow it will have been 4 weeks since we lost you, Luke.  Today is 4 weeks since we found out the horrific news that you no longer had a heartbeat.

One month.  It doesn't seem like very long, but in some ways, it feels like an eternity.

It feels like it was so long ago that I was pregnant with you.  My body is pretty much physically healed at this point, and that makes me sad.  It means that almost all traces of you are gone from me.  The spots that appeared under my arms are gone.  That pain in my pelvis is almost unnoticeable now, aside from a few creaks here and there.  My feet don't hurt anymore.  My stitches have dissolved, and I'm back in my pre-pregnancy clothes already.

It hurts to think that you were so fleeting.  Here and gone so fast. 

But not your spirit.

Luke's Skywalkers--OC Walk to Remember 2012

Yesterday was the OC Walk to Remember.  When I found out it was happening so soon after we lost you, I was kind of scared that we wouldn't be ready to participate in something like this.  But I'm so glad we did.  Your team was huge, Luke.  So many people walked for you, yesterday.  That picture doesn't even have everyone in it that was there for you.  They miss you too.  Sometimes I feel guilty for smiling, but I couldn't help it yesterday.  It was filled with tears AND smiles.  Hearing your name mentioned so often...that's all we ever wanted anyway.  You're still our son, even if you're not here.

I know my emotional healing has a long way to go.  But I felt your spirit there with us, yesterday, Luke.  Daddy and I still miss you so much.

    

#captureyourgrief--Day 6

Day 6 is kind of a tough.  For the most part, I understand that it's hard to find the right words to say to someone that's...in our situation.  Death is hard enough to talk about.  An event as tragic as ours, is just beyond awkward to talk about.  It's traumatic.  And who likes to talk about giving birth?  But what about when that's all you have to talk about your baby?

Anyway, the day we were making Luke's funeral arrangements at the mortuary, we met with Pastor Rick.  Rick sat down with us, and we started talking.  Jeff said something along the lines of 'Maybe God needed Luke more than us.'  And Rick stopped Jeff and basically reiterated no, that's not true.  You needed Luke more than anyone.  This just shouldn't happen.

And he's right.  I would never wish this on anyone.  And there is no reason for cord accidents to happen to babies at 39 weeks.  It just does.  It's part of this mysterious, terrible, wonderful world we live in. 

So for today's "What Not to Say"?

It doesn't.  Not this. 

#captureyourgrief--Day 5

A Memorial

I feel like this is the greatest memorial Luke could've left behind--Helping others through the worst times of their lives. Tomorrow we're walking in the Orange County Walk to Remember in memory of our sweet boy, and the amount of money we've raised in his memory simultaneously saddens and overjoys me.

I wish that this wasn't a club that anyone had to join, but knowing there are groups like them out there trying to help soften the blow...to be able to contribute to that is a tiny ray of light in our lives.

#captureyourgrief--Day 4

Your most treasured item

This is the hardest one to look at, because it holds everything from that day inside of it. His blanket, his bracelet, his hand and footprints, his pictures...

#captureyourgrief--Day 3

A self-portrait after your loss...

Jeff and I, today, in Santa Barbara. On a trip we definitely hadn't planned on taking anytime soon.

#captureyourgrief--Day 2

A self-portrait before your loss.

Here's the 3 of us before our world changed forever. Just 3 weeks before we lost you, Luke. We were so naive then...

Searching for your light

Today your mom posted a picture of the dawn for the first day of the Capture Your Grief photo project. It reminded me of this short poem I wrote in my journal on Sept. 19, just after I had gotten home to Portland.

Morning
Morning is the cruelest time
When I'm awakened from the comfort of dreams
Back into the nightmare of reality
And your name is on my tongue
But I have no voice to say it
Just the lump in my throat
When will I be able to see
Your light
With the dawn?

I still think of you every day upon waking, Luke, and I'm not sure this will ever change.

#captureyourgrief--Day 1

Something I wasn't really aware of before 3 weeks ago?  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  It's not a club any woman ever wants to join, but the more time that passes, the more I truly believe that the more I talk about what happened to Luke, and the more I read about other parents' stories of similar experiences...I feel less alone.  I feel like...at least there are other people out there who understand how I feel...

And with that, I'm doing this: Capture Your Grief

So here we go...Day 1--October 1, 2012: Sunrise--Fullerton, California: