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Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Thoughts that I bet you haven't had

It's official. One month from today, I'm scheduled to have rainbow baby #2.

Coincidentally, March 10 is Luke's half birthday every year. And it's also the day I went back to work after Lena was born.

Everything is sort of swirling around right now--Going by so fast that I can hardly absorb what happens. I suppose that's what life is like for most people with toddlers and full-time jobs and friends and houses to take care of. Part of me feels like this pregnancy went by too fast. So fast that I could hardly absorb what was going on.

But then another part of me feels like I've been pregnant forever. Maybe that's why I'm not absorbing what's going on--because this all just feels like normal to me. I've been pregnant for nearly 4 years straight. Pregnant feels like my normal. And there's a huge part of me that's just relieved that this chapter will be closing soon. That soon, pregnancy won't even be a thought for me.

I knew, going into having Luke, that we'd like to have at least one other child. I don't think that I had any idea that having three children would take this kind of toll on me, though. I never could have predicted what happened to Luke. That I'd walk away from 9 months of pregnancy with no child to show. That I'd have to grieve death while pregnant and hopeful to take my next child home. And then that I'd have to have three just to hold two...

I feel like I'm falling apart, physically. Some of that's probably my age, but it's also having had carried 2 children that were both over 9.5 pounds and another that's yet to be determined within such a short time frame. It's just...a lot. I'm tired.

Thinking about being at the hospital with this baby this time, I'm a bit more excited than apprehensive. But there's always something lurking that has to sort of rain on my parade. I thought about getting Lena something cute to wear to the hospital when little sister arrives. Most people can just go and order a cute shirt that says "Big Sister" on it (for the big sister) and a tiny onesie that says "Little Sister", or something like that and call it a day.

I've been sitting on this one for over a week now. Because I feel stuck. Last time, we didn't have a child to bring to the hospital. But we brought Luke's teddy bear, and we felt OK with that. Like he was there with us.

This time, I'm torn about this stupid shirt situation. What do I get Lena? A shirt that says "Middle Sister"? "Big Sister" also applies, but it kind of also doesn't take into account that Luke existed. And then I thought about getting something to put on his teddy bear (which, again, things no one should even have to think about--dressing up a teddy bear that signifies your dead son?). But then it gets worse. Because you know what? They don't make "Big Brother" shirts in sizes smaller than 6 months. I really haven't seen anything smaller than an 18 month sized shirt.

Because, oh yeah. Big Brothers are never supposed to be smaller than their Little Sisters. Except when they died and you're dressing a teddy bear in his likeness.

These are the sort of fucked up things that I still deal with, 3.5 years out.

It doesn't stab me in the heart like it used to...It just makes me wistful that it's a problem that I've thought about.

Maybe I'll just end up making something myself. Because obviously the profit margin on tiny "Big Brother" shirts made to fit teddy bears isn't high enough for anyone to want to produce them...